Q. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A. It’s ok, he woke up.
1. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.
Runs in our jeans.
2. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
3. I tried to catch fog yesterday,
4. Why did the scarecrow get a raise?
He was outstanding in his field.
5. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
You have my Word.
7. My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
8. What do you call a woman on the arm of a banjo player?
9. I called a psychic once. She asked who was on the line, so I hung up.
10. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
The local church was desperately looking to hire someone to ring the church bell. After over a week of no leads, a fellow shows up asking for the job. The president of the church walks out of his office to interview the job candidate when he notices the man has no arms. “Excuse me sir”, said the president, “but how do you expect to ring the bill without arms?” “Just watch”, said the man confidently, and with that, the man charged toward the bell and banged his face onto it emitting a wonderful loud clang. “Wow” said the president “that was wonderful!” “Agreed” said the secretary coming in “that was simply beautiful.” “Can I see you do it again?” asked the secretary, who missed the first performance. “Sure” said the man, who again charged toward the bell. Unfortunately he tripped on the way and died. “Do we even know his name?” asked the baffled secretary. “I don’t know” answered the president, “but his face sure rang a bell!”