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Wife Insult Joke

“Harry,” whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. “What should I do?! I’m not ready for old age! I’m only 40 years old but I look and feel like I’m over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out.”

“Well,” said Harry after looking her up and down, “There is one thing about you that still works as good as new.”

“Oh Harry!” said Mary sitting down next to her husband, “you always know just what to say! What are you referring to?”

“Never mind” said Harry looking down.

“C’mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to.”

“Mary, please don’t make me.”

“Harry I insist.”

“Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!”

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Marriage Truths

Marriage is a relationship were one person is always right…………and the other is the husband. -Arnold

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Feeling Pregnant Joke

“Ok everyone,” said the the instructor at the birthing class trying to get everyone’s attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, that’s purpose is to  help the men sympathize with their partners.”

“We have here what’s called a pregnancy suit,” said the woman instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap.  “This imitates the feeling of being pregnant.” Which Husband volunteers to be the first one to try it on?”

“I will” said one man, taking the suit and trying it on.  “This isn’t too bad said the man walking around. I think I could get used to this.” “Ok”, said the instructor smiling, “now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.”

“You want me to pick it up?”  he said hesitantly,  “just as I would if I was pregnant?” “Yes!” said the instructor.

“Honey,” said the man turning to his spouse “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”

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Poor Husband Joke

Sally walked in to the Dentist office to make an appointment. “How much do you charge to pull out a tooth?” She asked.” “It’s $130″, was the prompt reply. “$130!” gasped Sally, that’s ridiculous! There must be a way for you to go cheaper.” “Well,” said the Dentist thoughtfully, I suppose if we don’t numb it, we could knock off $30.” “Only $30?,” countered Sally, “that’s still $100, you’ve got to make it cheaper.” “Well,” said the Dentist after a long pause, “I suppose if we take it out with a wrench we could knock it down to $50.” “Perfect”, said Sally happily. “I would like to make an appointment for next Tuesday, for my husband Jack.”

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Jealous Wife Joke

Standing in front of a boutique I noticed an impatient looking young man approach an attractive woman “would you mind talking to me for a few minutes?” he asked her “why?” she countered suspiciously.”my wife has been in this shop for a long time” the man explained “But I  know she’ll come out if she see me talking to you”  -E.C.Forbes Jr.

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Toupee Joke

Ted was going bald there was no two ways about it. Trying to cheer him up his wife Barbara bought him a toupee.

Barbara was very excited to show off her “new husband”, so she was thrilled when one of their friends invited them to a party at their house.

It was later that night after the party that Barbara found Ted lounging around on the couch looking depressed.

“What’s wrong Honey?” said Barbara sitting down on the couch next to him.

“I didn’t enjoy the party at all,” complained Ted “I was so self conscious I felt like everyone was able to tell I was wearing a toupee.

“Oh Sweety” said Barbara patting Ted’s knee, “I’m sure nobody was able to tell!

In fact all of the people  at the party that I told, were all surprised!”

 

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Wife Stress Joke

Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy’s urging. After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis. Harry was too stressed out. He would need 6 months of pure relaxation. Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation. “How should I go about it?” asked Harry. “OK” said the doctor “I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day…”

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Marriage Fight Joke

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, ‘You know, I was a fool when I married you.’ The Husband replied, ‘Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.’

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Nasty Wife Joke

A cop pulled over a car and finds a young couple in the front seat. “Where’s your seat belt young man?” asked the cop. “Oh, I just took if off now when you were walking up to the car”, responded the man. “No you didn’t!” exclaimed his wife, “you never wear your seat belt!”. A little taken aback, the cop asked to see his license. “Aw shucks!” cried the man, “I must have left it home!” “Yeah right!” screamed his wife, “You know it expired 3 months ago!” At a loss for words, the cop asked the woman “are you always so tough on him?!” “No” responded the young woman, “only when he had too much to drink!”.

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