The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”
“I sure do” Grandpa replied. “What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”
“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”
“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”
“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”
“Huh?” Questioned Grandpa. “Why’s that?”
“Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”
John was a firm believer of ‘the more the merrier’. After only 10 years of marriage he already had 8 kids. When John was forced to move because of his job he was having a very hard time finding an apartment where the landlord would be willing to rent to such a big family.
Finally after being turned down one time too many John had an idea. “Listen hear Sally” said John to his wife, “go with the six little kids to the cemetery while I go see this apartment.”
Later that day while checking out an apartment the landlord asked, “How many children do you have?” “I have 8 children,” John truthfully replied, “but 6 of them are with their Mother in the cemetery.”
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
A brunette walked into a room and saw her blonde friend whooping and hollering.
“What’s the matter?” The brunette inquired.
“Nothing at all. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!” The blonde beamed.
“How long did it take you?”
“Well, the box said ‘3 to 5 Years’ but I did it in a month!”
A constantly nagged and harried son-in-law decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a birth day present.
The next birth day came but this year he didn’t buy her a gift.
The mother-in-law was upset and asked the son-in-law why was he had forgotten this time.
The angry son-in-law responded, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
- Birthdays and anniversaries should not be challenges to see if we can again find the perfect present for you.
- Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
- Sunday is sports day. It’s like gravity or a full moon or gravity. Let it be.
- Just ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this. Subtle hints don’t work. Nor do strong or even obvious hints. So just simply tell us what you want.
- We don’t remember dates. So write birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar and remind us frequently before the event.
- Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl now, so if it’s up, don’t moan, just put it down. We need it up and you never hear us complaining when you leave it down.
- Shopping is not a sport and we are never, ever going to think of it as such.
- Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to most questions.
- Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.
- Only come to us with a problem if you really want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends do.
- Anything we said over 3 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
- If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We won’t answer.
- Most men own at most three pairs of shoes. So what makes you think we’re any good at helping you decide which pair of your shoes, out of forty, goes best with your dress?
- If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
- Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour and we have no idea what mauve is.
- We are not mind readers and never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
- If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
- When we have to go out somewhere, anything you wear is fine. Really.
- If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
- Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.