The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
- Birthdays and anniversaries should not be challenges to see if we can again find the perfect present for you.
- Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
- Sunday is sports day. It’s like gravity or a full moon or gravity. Let it be.
- Just ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this. Subtle hints don’t work. Nor do strong or even obvious hints. So just simply tell us what you want.
- We don’t remember dates. So write birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar and remind us frequently before the event.
- Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl now, so if it’s up, don’t moan, just put it down. We need it up and you never hear us complaining when you leave it down.
- Shopping is not a sport and we are never, ever going to think of it as such.
- Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to most questions.
- Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.
- Only come to us with a problem if you really want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends do.
- Anything we said over 3 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
- If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We won’t answer.
- Most men own at most three pairs of shoes. So what makes you think we’re any good at helping you decide which pair of your shoes, out of forty, goes best with your dress?
- If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
- Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour and we have no idea what mauve is.
- We are not mind readers and never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
- If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
- When we have to go out somewhere, anything you wear is fine. Really.
- If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
- Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
A couple had their first baby. After a week or so the mother thought she could use a break and went shopping leaving the little baby with the proud father. It was only a short while before the baby started to cry. The perplexed father tried all of the tricks that he remembered his wife doing but to no avail. Finally after a half hour in desperation he went to the doctor. After checking all of the regular things the doctor discovered it was just a dirty diaper.
“I don’t understand “the perplexed father said “I knew it was dirty, but the diaper package said specifically that it was good up to 8 pounds!”
• Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.
• Women have a number of faults. Men have only two – everything they say and everything they do.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country.
• A man is a person who will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman, however, will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t want.
• Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Dogs are a man’s best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.
• It’s not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can pretend to be foolish whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.
• Men always want to be a woman’s first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man’s last romance.
• To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, a man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
• Men marry because they are tired; women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man will always cherish the memory of the woman who he didn’t.
• There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
• Only two things are necessary for a man to do to keep his wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
• Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes – it’s no use two people remembering the same thing.
• Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
• Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.
• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
“Harry,” whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. “What should I do?! I’m not ready for old age! I’m only 40 years old but I look and feel like I’m over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out.”
“Well,” said Harry after looking her up and down, “There is one thing about you that still works as good as new.”
“Oh Harry!” said Mary sitting down next to her husband, “you always know just what to say! What are you referring to?”
“Never mind” said Harry looking down.
“C’mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to.”
“Mary, please don’t make me.”
“Harry I insist.”
“Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!”
Male Vs. Female
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and , best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!
“Brian, what’s wrong with you? You’ve been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!” “Oh Dan,” responded Brian “I don’t know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!”
“Brian, that’s horrible!” said Dan putting his arm around Brian. “What type of a gift does she want already?”
“Well, right before she closed the door on my face she said to me: “Why don’t you show me how much you care about me? Why can’t you get me something that goes from 0 to 175 in seconds!”
“Dan what should I do? I don’t have that kind of money? I can’t go out and buy her a car!”
“A car? Asked Dan. “Who needs a car? Just stop by Target and buy her a scale!”
All of the relatives gathered together in the hospital waiting room tensely waiting the Doctors report. Finally after what seemed like hours the Doctor finally came out. “Well” he said “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is I am afraid his brain doesn’t work anymore, but the good news is that there is a new procedure called a brain transplant. But I am afraid it’s quite expensive and it’s not covered by insurance. After a few seconds one of the sons asked “well how much does it cost.” The Doctor replied “it’s $10,000 for a male brain and $2,000 for a female brain.” The moment turned quite awkward and despite the seriousness of the situation some of the men actually started smiling. Finally one of the men couldn’t control himself and asked the question everyone wanted to ask. “Why is the female brain so much less.” “Oh that’s just standard pricing procedure,”the Doctor replied “you see we have to charge less for the female brain simply because they’re used.