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Take Turns Joke

While working the lunch shift at a local restaurant, I watched as an elderly couple ate.  It seemed as if the man was the only one eating.  First his appetizer, then his main, and then finally his dessert.  All the while with his wife just looking on, not even touching her food.  Confused, I approached the woman and asked if there was anything I could get for her.  “No thank you,” came her answer, “it’s his turn for the teeth.”

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Speeding Ticket Joke

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting.
She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.

A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”

She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”

His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”

She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”

“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”

He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie…

Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.

“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.

“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.

He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.

“Can I see the registration to this car?”

She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.

“Ma’am, stand back!”

He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty…

The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

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Grandma Joke

Grandma Sally’s first great-grandchild was born and after a few weeks, when the parents need a break, she was given the job of watching her. “Let me see the little cutie,” begs her friend Gerty. “Not yet”, Sally responds. When she again refuses five minutes later Gerty has had enough “what are you waiting for?” she fumed. “I’m waiting for her to cry.” “Why is that?” questioned Gerty. “Well, because I forgot where I put her!”

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Can You Hear Me??????

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?
She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”

 

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Joke About Getting Older

“Sugar why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper.” Said Dorothy to her Husband of 50 years. “Sure thing,” said her husband settling himself down.

“Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” Questioned Dorothy.

“Umm I guess I’ll take the soup.” He responded.

After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, their guest Bob couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer. Bob snuck into the kitchen and asked, “Dorothy do you always talk to your husband like that?”

“Bob, I’ll be honest with you,” Dorothy replied. “It’s been five years now, I just can’t remember his name, and I am just too embarrassed to ask him!”

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Where Did I put My Teeth?

Two old ladies were discussing their husbands over tea. “I wish that my Robert would stop biting his nails. It gets me very upset.
“My Calvin used to do the same thing,” the older woman replied. “But I broke him of the habit.”
“How?” the first women asked
“I hid his teeth.”

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Memory Problems Joke

A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time. One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife. “Really?”, one of the men said, what’s it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, “what are those good smelling flowers called again?” “Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned. “Yes that’s it,” he exclaimed. Looking over at his wife he said, “Rose what’s that restaurant we went to the other night?”

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Death Preparation Joke

Barry and Hannah, an old married couple,  are sitting on the couch watching TV. On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death etc. “Honey,” says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to  put an end to it.” “No problem hun,” said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.

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Peanut Joke

Thinking that the presidential candidate needed to show a more human side of himself, his committee advised him to visit an old age home. Walking into the room of an old man, with the cameras whirring,  the nominee was surprised when the old man offered him some peanuts from a bowl on the table. “Thank you”, said the nominee after being offered more for the 3rd time, “why don’t you have some yourself?” “Oh, I can’t eat it”  said the old man, “I don’t have any teeth.”   “So why do you have them?” asked the confused nominee. “Oh, I like the chocolate around it” was the glib reply.

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