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Ten Things I know about you

1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

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The Bathroom Joke

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. All of them board the train.The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.”The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was  a clever idea.So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money .When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.”How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

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Blind Man Joke

Two men, Jim and John, were walking their dogs when they passed by a restaurant. “Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggested. “We can’t” responded John, “don’t you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED.”

Aah that sign,” said Jim “don’t worry about it” and taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walked up to the door. As he tried walking into the restaurant he got stopped at the door, “sorry no pets allowed.” Can’t you see” said Jim “I am blind, this is my seeing eye dog.”

But it’s a doberman pincher, who uses a doberman pincher as a seeing eye dog?” the man asked “Oh,” Jim responded “you must have not heard, this is the latest type of seeing eye dog, they do a very good job.”

Seeing that it worked, John tried walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said “don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing eye dog.”

Thinking quickly John responded in a angry voice “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

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Lawyer Trying To Prove His Clients Innocence Backfires

A fellow’s wife went missing and being that everyone knew that he and his wife were in a big fight he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body. When witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused threatened his wife and things were looking quite dim for the accused the man’s lawyer got up to the stand.

“Ladies and Gentleman of the jury I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.”

There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door. “Ladies and Gentleman” said the lawyer after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “To be honest with you, Nobody is going to be walking through the door, however from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.”

To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury decided that the man was guilty.

“But how could you say that he is guilty?  Didn’t I prove it to you?” Questioned the lawyer.

“It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was person who didn’t.”

“Whose that?” Questioned the indignant lawyer.

“Your client.” Came the reply.

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The Honest Lawyer?

The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. “I know I am going to die” he said ” and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin.”

It was a few days after the funeral when the priest over flowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put $100,000 back. “I’m glad you brought it up” said the doctor, “because I have also been feeling guilty, I only put $80,000 back.”

“You people should be ashamed of yourselves” stormed the lawyer “stealing money like that, am I the only honest person here? Here look at this” he said pulling out his check book, “look I wrote out a check for the full $150,000!”

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One Way To Save Money

A man named Marty called his son. “Harry I have news to tell you, I know it’s going to upset you but I have made up my mind and there is nothing you can do about it. I have decided to divorce your mother.” “But dad how can that be “the son asked “you have been married for 40 years, and you always seemed to get along? What happened suddenly?” “Son, I have made up my mind, and I don’t want you to try to convince me out of it.” “OK” the son responded “but promise me you won’t do anything until I come and talk to you in person, and I am going to ask all of the siblings to fly in also.”Alright” said the father hanging up “you have my word. “Well” said Marty, turning to his wife “I got them all to come in and I didn’t even have to pay for the tickets.”

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Toilet Brush Joke

Lauren was frustrated. She had complained dozens of times to her daughter about her newest gag of kissing the bathroom mirror immediately after applying lipstick, but it was all to no avail. Finally, one day after spending a half hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Lauren had enough. “Lizzy!” she hollered, “What?” came her daughter’s reply through her bedroom door. I can’t find the toilet brush that I’ve been using to clean the bathroom mirror. Do you have any idea where it is?”

After hearing the gagging from behind the bedroom door, Lauren knew her days of cleaning kiss marks off of mirrors were over.

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Millionaire Joke

A fellow walked into a bank in New York City asking for a loan for $4000 dollars. “Well, before we lend you the money we are going to need some kind of security” the bank teller said. “No problem” the man responded here are the keys to my car “you’ll see it, it’s a black Porsche parked in the back of the parking lot.”

A few weeks later the man returned to pay off his loan. While he was paying it up, along with the interest of $11 dollars, the manager came over, “sir, we are very happy to have you’re business, but if you don’t mind me asking, after you left we looked into you and found out that you are a millionaire, why would you need to borrow $4000 dollars?”

“Well, the fellow responded it’s quite simple, where else can I park my car for three weeks in New York for $11 dollars?

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Teachers Gotta Be Smart

There were four teenagers who played hooky one morning. Upon coming to class in the afternoon, they reported that their lateness was because their car got a flat tire. That’s fine the teacher said much to the students relief. But there was an oral test this morning which you boys have to make up, so please have a seat and take out a piece of paper. “Now for the first question, which tire was flat!

 

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